Mental Health Corner

MENTAL HEALTH CORNER! With Janice Wheathins, white guilt therapist.

Hello, my honkeys. I know it’s getting harder and harder to keep our sunny disposition nowadays what with the Black Lives Matter movement and Beyonce’s performance at the Superbowl. Like can we not think about black people for one day? That’s all we want. Just a day. It’s really not that hard to ask. But no, every time I turn on the news, I am shown clips of aggressive and militant blacks trying to remind me of their suffering. Like Al Roker and Robin Roberts on Good Morning America, Don Lemon on CNN. I don’t want to think about this. I am just trying to relax in my cucumber mask and drink my pumpkin spice latte. 10:30 am is too early for societal issues, especially those that don’t really apply to me. But still,  like many of you other good hearted white citizens, I can not help feeling uncomfortable. I believe this sense of responsibility to others stems from our ancestral understanding of the White Man’s Burden. Jeez, these minorities do not understand how hard it is to run into protest related traffic on the freeway when all I want to do is relax in my uber on my way to buy new shoes. What a nuisance. This is the real struggle. But don’t feel pressured to join the movements! You don’t have to guilt tripped into caring about systemic inequality. Here are some cold hard facts to completely obliterate your white guilt.

  1. 27.4% of black people in America live below the poverty line. They have clearly dropped the ball.

  2. OJ Simpson, the quintessential black man, dated a white woman. Obviously, the females in his own race had nothing left to offer.

  3. A white felon is twice as likely to be hired for a job than a black man with a clean criminal record and equal credentials. There must be a reason for that!

  4. Most contestants on Maury are black, I think. I don’t know, never watched it. It sounds undesirable.

Remember, keep your head up! When you see something triggering, like a black lives matter sign, just say to yourself, “all lives matter”, or, more specifically, “white lives matter.” When you see a black person say nigga, remember that you can too. Do not allow yourself to be discriminated against. When someone says black power, just say “white power!” If black power isn’t racist, then surely white power isn’t either. I mean, it’s worked pretty well so far. Remember, you did not create the system, you just reap the benefits from it. Stay strong, but most importantly, passive, in the face of inequality. Peace out ma honkeys.

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